SWF isn't asking too much (or is she)

[Disclaimer: The following was taken from a REAL Craigslist ad. You can't make this ish up.]

I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female...I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.

I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate...My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself!
Here is what I am looking for...If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.

-non smoker

-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions

-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction

-must not be opposed to wicker furniture

-must be 420 friendly

-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS

-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary

-some knowledge of vintage wine

-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad

-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser

-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men

-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas

-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys

-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins

-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)

-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense

-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant

-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5

-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards)

-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.

-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert

-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town

-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson

-must have read complete works of Jane Austen

-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF

-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access

-must love pinball and not play ping pong

-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films

-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind

-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification

-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too!

-NO FELONS!!!

-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)

-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable

-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours

-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores

-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS

-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.


I know the guy for me is out there...If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply.

Lessons in (Love) Economics

"Bueller. Bueller. Bueller."

Maybe people would have shown up to his class if he were giving this lesson instead of on "Something D-O-O Economics."

(You can probably tell that Ferris Bueller's Day Off was one of my favorite all-time movies. I still watch it about once a month.)

But you probably also know him from the show Win Ben Stein's Money. Either way, I thought this was a quirky and smart take on the most ubiquitous topic ever.

Real Niggas vs. Bitch Niggas

Now personally this video is old from Kat Williams but honestly too many of us women have had to deal exactly what he is talking about with these Bitch Niggas. Sadly I had a Bitch Nigga...NEVER again...LMAO

I will let the video speak for itself....No need to even elaborate

Mr Inconsiderate Decides to say hello...Wrong move Brah!

Rather than create this in blogging format. I just decided to just copy and paste the email I sent to my home girls…LOL

WHY DID HOME BOY TEXT ME YESTERDAY?????

He said he hadn’t heard from me in a long time. When can he have some of my time? DIDN’T I tell him I didn’t want to date him, just be friends? What he waited weeks to see if I would calm down?

Well you know my mouth I didn’t get to tell him off on our last date so I took the opportunity then and there. I was already in a pissy mood since Sunday. So I told him why would he ask me for my time when he clearly doesn’t respect my time when he had it. DO YOU KNOW THE NEGREO had the nerve to ask me what I was talking about? WTF is he dense? I MEAN REALLY!!!!

So I told him about himself...the lateness and expecting me to run errands after he was ALREADY late. WTF? I didn’t tell him about the not paying for the movie and pumping of the gas etc. so he was like he does respect me and I am right and he is sorry. So he wrote back “I just want you to know you are my sweetheart and I would do anything for you”. Is he serious? I am his sweetheart? We just met, had to dates which I was totally annoyed on because of his actions. So I wrote back how on earth can I be your sweetheart, we had 2 dates, prolly 2 phone calls and no intimacy, He said it was his way of telling me he misses me. MISS ME!!! I am really a bitch ladies…LMAO cause I was like WTF? MISS ME?? That was weak game. So he texted me at 10pm and I didn’t respond. Do you know he resent the text at 3am this morning? I still didn’t respond. I am not going on a date with him again. I rather get my rocks of with my side piece than to be bothered with men that is not worth my time. I cut EVERYONE off…. This dude is definitely a Bitch Nigga…LOL hence my aim status since yesterday....

Big daddie & Dime Piece and a Brick ?

I have a MySpace account for fun. Well honestly there really isn’t anything fun about MySpace anymore. I am just keeping it because basically it’s something to do when I am bored out of mind. Anyway I had my status as “in a relationship” for the longest while and last night I changed it to single just to see what would happen and this is the kind of ridiculous mess I get:

Email 1

“how are u? hope tasty and fine,well my name is kahron aka big daddie? i live in miami , i admire ur beauty but would like to get to know ur mind may i have that honor please?”

Tasty and fine?
Big daddie?

Email 2

“Hey look here lil ma, I just passed bye you page and i had to stop because you were just too fine. I hope you are single cuz i would love to get to know you better beautiful. I live in fort myers fl. If you want a pic of me just let me know and i'll send you some ok sexy? Hit me up when you get this email 4sho. ONE!”


Dime Piece and a Brick

He calls himself “Dime Piece and a Brick” ?????? Dude has no picture up…

I am so impressed that I am going to jump on these opportunities…. I THINK NOT………

LMAO

This is totally off the Topic of the blog but I had to post it. LMAO...

Happy Valentine's Day from the Frogs.

MR INCONSIDERATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I met this guy, he seemed to have good conversation. Not someone I would normally date but I decided to stop being so discriminative...LOL

He washes and details cars for a living. Well anyway I let him take me to dinner. So I guess he is a hood boy and thought that red lobster was a dinner date. I said fine cause whatever…I am not really concerned about stuff like that. I like local places in case my dates are crazy.

Well let’s start at the beginning.

DATE ONE/MISTAKE #1

We decided to go to dinner and had a set time of 7pm. His car is in the shop (so he said) so I went his house. Well step back I met him at a friend’s house and believe it or not he had the nerve to still be detailing a car. SO TALK ABOUT MAKING A FIRST IMPRESSION. Needless to say I was pissed out of mind. But I was like ok…give it a chance. We then had to go to his house so he can shower and get dressed. The date was not actually on the way until about a little after 8. Of course I was annoyed but I was already there so I went ahead. HE TOOK ME TO RED LOBSTER. So ok that’s cool I guess, first meeting, just getting to know him. We actually had good conversation…it was fun. I dropped him off at home and he was like I really would like to go with you to hang out your friends because I had prior plans. I don’t take people around others until they are permanent but I felt bad the way he said it to me…I NEED TO BE MEAN ALL THE TIME!!!! Anyway I stayed a while, took him home and left. He didn’t try anything funny so ok……..

DATE TWO/MISTAKE #2

He wanted to hang out the day after…I wasn’t feeling it so I passed. He came at me again Sunday and I am thinking dam this nigga this thirsty. I didn’t really want to go but I did any way. Due to his lateness on Friday and I told him about it and I also asked him to tell me if he was going to be late and not have me waiting. Of course he agreed and he said he would be on time at 6pm.

1. I got to his house 6:10 cause I figured he would be late. He was not ready once again we ended up missing the 645 movie cause we didn’t leave his house till 6:50
2. Then had the nerve to come into the living room spoke to his cousin and didn’t say hi. I had to say “well hello to you to”
3. ON TOP OF BEING LATE, when I got in my car to head the direction of the movie theatre he was like no lets go the opposite way. I was like why? He was like I need to stop at checkers really quick to get some food for my cousin. I got annoyed I was like who told you I wanted to take you to checkers. WTF…he couldn’t ask if it was ok. He just jumped in the car like he ran shit. But I held my tongue from further chat because I know myself.
4. We get to the movies and he stands back and waits for me to go to the movie counter. Hmmmmm I was annoyed. But ok….I paid for both tickets I was like its only $20 and I would do it for a friend. But that was the last straw for me. YOU WANTED TO GO OUT. I should have just turned around and went home.
5. Then on the way home my gas tank was empty so I stopped at the gas station. You would think he didn’t pay for the movie he would offer to pay for the gas or at least pump the gas. This Negro sat in the car like he was a movie star and LET ME PUMP my own gas. Never has a date or any male friend let me pump my gas.
6. Then has the nerve to want a ride someplace for dinner. I was like I am not hungry. I took him for food, and dropped him off with a smile.

You know when I lived in NYC…I use to get mad at my brothers calling me Shorty or Mami and doing little annoying things. BUT MY GOD…moving to another state has made me appreciate them so much more. Now when I visit home and I am called Shorty or mami…I don’t give him play but I dam sure am a lot nicer. It’s better than being called aaayyy you….bitch and whatever else these blasted men in Florida call me. I never had these crazy date experiences either.

WHY I STAYED ON THIS DATE I DON’T KNOW….

A penny for your thoughts

Wouldn’t it be nice if all men would say this to you? Of course I am dreaming….

I expect sex if I am paying for the date

I have been meaning to post this for a while but I guess now is as good as any. I had promised myself no more online dating…LOL but boredom one night drove me to sign up again…..

My new attempt...singles.net
I mean am I just getting desperate? LMAO. I am at the point where casual dating is fine with me. It would be nice to meet someone that you can get to know and perhaps lead into a happy relationship but honestly I am kind of happy with my status. For once in my life sassywow is happy with being single and fabulous… A good friend, occasional sex and occasional date songs good…OK NOT REALLY but I am really not hard up for getting tied up with anyone just yet. After being involved on and off for 8 years to a man that would fuck anything with a phat ass that rolled by…I LIKE BEING FREE to have a little fun.

Anyway…absolute boredom one night drove me to sign up to singles.net. I must have logged on to the site once but after like a ton of messages I said let’s see what is waiting for me. I log on…got an email from what I thought was a nice guy… he was Latin… 6 feet… sexy as hell. He looked like a brother that could GET IT… (Ladies you know we makes these decisions in 10 second of meeting a man or viewing is pic, it is usually what comes out their mouth after that will make you say hell NAW...I will pass) anyway I proceeded to have a few conversations with him by email, we spoke by aim (I have a fake one just in case they are nuts) and then we finally spoke by phone. We were communicating for about a week and decided to set a date. I called this Negro up and he had the nerve to tell me …I just want you to know if I am paying for the date I expect sex at the end of the night. I just went silent on the phone in amazement. I mean I do not have a specified time frame on when sex should happen. If the mood and situation is right and the brothers game is tight …well who knows…LOL but don’t be making it blatantly clear that you expect sex if you pay for the date. At no point did I expect him to pay. As a rule I always leave the house with enough cash to cover all my expense… IN TRINI TERMS… VEX MONEY…. If the guy pays then it’s a nice gesture, I cover the tip and if the night doesn’t end early may I will treat for something else or maybe the next date. But this ass…was so bold about his expectancies that I simply said: Thank you for that pertinent piece of information and hung up.

What a JERK!!!!!!!!!!!


AM I DOOMED? What is wrong with men? I think I am gonna be forced to do my NYC thing and fall back on my faithful half white color half thug throwback….LMAO
No More online dating for me….Period!!!!


Thoughts????

Love + Sex w/ Robots

Swiped this from Freakonomics. I really miss cable. Anyway, David Levy (not to be confused with Dahved ‘Rockin’ You’ Levy) was on Stephen Colbert discussing his book style="font-style:italic;">“Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships.” He predicts in about 5 years, humans will be having emotional and sexual relations with AI. It made me think of this ShojoBeat manga about a company who manufactures droids for hire as, well, the perfect mates, hence the title.

There just might be a Night Tenjo in my future for real…

Science of Dating = Science of Self

I just read an article in the New York Times titled Hitting It Off, Thanks to the Algorithms of Love. After all the talk of qualitative methods and psychometric data compilations, it all came down to this: people fare far better using a site that picks matches for them as opposed to sites that allow you to view profiles and pick them yourself. Makes sense. My mother always says ‘be careful what you wish for, you just might get it’ and I’ve learned over and over again that is one of the truest clichés I’ve ever heard. That was easy to understand. The difficult part was the epiphany I came to shortly after wondering aloud why I never have used, nor have any intention of using, those sites. I came to the realization that I might be too afraid to acknowledge who I really am to find love. I mean, what if they match me with someone who’s a real jerk? Or an ecclesiastical conservative Republican? Or a woman?! We all have these idealized (read: Photoshopped) visions of who we are but what if, in having someone find compatible matches for us, we discover we’ve airbrushed ourselves a little too much and not only do we not know what we want, we don’t know who we are? The truth is always difficult to grasp for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that it can suck, like really, really, really suck. As in after almost 8 years NOW they wanna come to their senses suck?! And who wants to be depressed? Not I. Therefore I will continue to believe that I’m a heterosexual, liberal, adventurous, logical and kind person who is imaginative, philosophically flexible and a critical thinker.

And tonight’s movie-before-bedtime will be A Scene at the Sea. Again.

I Kid You Not (or reasons NOT to be a member of an online dating site)

This message (poem) came from a guy named ‘Marvin’ (A.K.A. 'Boey2005 from

Miami’)

WHERE WAS YOU

1.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN I COULDN'T STOP THANKIN ABOUT YOU?

2.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN I WAKE UP AND YOUR NOT THERE?

3.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN I CAME HOME AND NEEDED YOUR TOUCH?

4.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN ALL I NEEDED WAS TO LOOK INTO YOUR EYES?

5.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN, I NEEDED THAT WET KISS, THAT SWEETNESS.?

6.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN, YOU PROMISE ME THREE LIFE TIME OF YOU AND ME?

7.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN, I NEED THAT RIDE IN THE RAIN, JUST TO READ TO

YOU?

8.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN, I CRYED ALL BECUZ I SEE YOUR FACE WHEN I CLOSE MY

EYES?

9.....WHERE WAS YOU, WHEN, I TOUCH MY HEART, HOPING TO FEEL YOU?

10...WHERE ARE YOU, NOW THAT I PRAY TO THE LORD FOR YOU.?

It's hard out here for a pimp...tress

A friend of mine called to tell me of the drama she is experiencing with a guy that would otherwise not even be an option if not for the dearth of "dateable," and I use that non-term loosely and circumstantially, options available. To sum it up, he is starting to give her the cold shoulder and, as most always is the case, for no apparent reason. Her ending statement summed it up: "How do you stutter AND have a small d!ck and still have the nerve to try and play me? I'm fabulous!" While I can't vouch for the former, I can vouch for the latter - she is pretty fabulous. So why be concerned with a stuttering, small d!ck dude in the first place? Well it's one of those can't live with 'em, can't live without some every once in a while type situations. But why, as we get older, get more settled in our careers, advance our education, are we all too often settling for guys that don't deserve the time of day? I mean we could go back and forth with the baby-momma-drama, bi-sexual, love themselves more than anyone else could reasons but really? What happens to our self-esteem that we put ourselves through it? Questions, commentary? Feel free to leave it at the beep...

BEEP!

Online Dating

Regular dating as in randomly meeting men at supermarkets, movies, parties and through friends etc have not been working so I figured what the hell why not try online dating. What exactly do I have to loose? Nothing! Or so I thought because so far I can say that it has been an absolute waste of my time and money. I have gotten a few dates but nothing to get all happy about but the thing that’s crazy is the emails I have gotten. I mean I knew men can be distasteful, however men online are down right ridiculous. It seems hiding behind a year old picture has given them the confidence to be blunt, rude and just blasted… yes I said blasted… BOLD!

But so far I have just ignored and moved on to the next. However I seem to have a stalker from www.interracialmatch.com. For the life of me I do no understand why you would post yourself online and not post a picture. However this one man has continuously emailed me requesting that I email him so he can send me a picture. Well my thought is… if you have to hide your picture …you are either married, a liar, ugly or just someone that I do not need to get mixed up with. I mean he could very well be a nice guy but the continuous emails with no picture are just crazy. As a last attempt to get my attention the following was the last email I got on 1/3/08:

Sunshine _ _ _ _ wrote:

I know that I am writing a lot and I hope that you do not think I am weird. But each time I lay my eyes upon your profile I am hopeful that I will be able to speak with you. You are beautiful and seem to be endowed with all that I would like to spend time with. I realize that I do not have a picture posted and I would be glad to send you one directly. My direct email address is _ _ _ _ _ _ _now2000 at yahoo. Here is a poem I wrote today:

Resting in dark corner of a widow less room
Standing firm in defiance of the obscurity that seems to engulf my every thoughts
A glimpse of light appears
Streaming hope
Beaming warmth
Envisioning her rays covering me
Defeating the cancerous descend into oblivion
Rising above the atrocities of my heart
Rooting out my inner desires
One by one
Into a new order of tranquility
While teasing me with what tomorrow should be?
I would really like to speak to you.


How exactly so I respond to this…faceless man?

Blind Date Gone Bad

This a good example of yet another stupid thing a guy did. WHY WHY WHY would you think asking to grab her booty was cute?

My First FL Date Sucked :(

They say change is good…So I moved to FL to try something new…It’s been quite an experience in many areas. Some positive and others negative. Best things about the move so far? I love my job and my apt….Worst things…I find myself asking: Are these men sane?

So let’s start this off with my first date in FL.

It’s Carnival Saturday night and my girls and I went to Socavivor because it’s WHINING SEASON (Machel Mantano)…lol. So we are at the fete, minding our own business not giving a dam whose is there and why because we are just there to get on bad (yes I am Trini). All of a sudden this Grenadian dude out of nowhere decides to tackle meh in a whining contest. I don’t think he knew what he was in for because I was prepared in shorts and all to do my thing. The night is coming to an end and he asks for my number. So I was thinking let me get a good look at him first before I do. Yes I danced all night and never looked, I didn’t care…I was there to party not get numbers. Anyway I finally turn around and he is wearing a bandana on his head. As a rule I DO NOT like to give numbers to guys who are wearing hats, shades or anything hiding their true features because these things can often turn into a nightmare because they are hiding a flaw.

Mistake 1:

I gave him the number anyway. I was not going to call but two of my BFF’s convinced me to give it a chance.

Mistake 2:

I accepted his phone calls again and again after he clearly bored me to death over the phone.

I am a spunky woman. I like to laugh, dance….basically have a good time. Life is just too short. My thing…clearly is If you can’t have a decent conversation ever how on earth can we have a good time together. Well my friends once again convinced me that maybe he is just NOT a phone person.

Mistake # 3

I agreed to meet him for dinner. Now I am a woman that loves to look nice and I am clearly attracted to men that love to look and smell nice. I mean I really don’t think that it is too much to ask. You know shave, iron your clothes and comb your hair.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY did this dude show up unshaved, didn’t comb his hair, wearing sweats and old ass sneakers. Worst of all he is NOT CUTE! The Bandana was clearly hiding his flaws. Truth be told I like Pretty Boys… My instinct said act like you are not _____ and just turn around and leave. But my better judgment kicked in…it just was not polite. I was already pissed and disappointed because I took the time to look presentable but I sat down anyway. It went downhill from there when

1.
We ordered drinks and the waitress called out his date of birth and I calculated it in my head to be 36. I wanted to call him on it because he told me he was 33. DON’T LIE ABOUT YOUR AGE…ITS STUPID. I mean considering my age 36 is ok if you are taking care of yourself.

2.
He still was boring as FUCK. No conversation. Talking to him was like pulling a tooth.

At this point you would think I would go home after dinner but he invited me to go down to the River Front for a drink and maybe dancing. I agreed because he said he would change clothes. WHY did this Negro think sweat pants with “old man Clarks” was a change of clothes. I thought he would have at least put on some jeans, a nice shirt and maybe some shoes or at least CLEAN and NEAT sneakers. No he kept the same pants, same shirt and changed his shoes to the Clarks. Now I like Clarks but the not kind my grandfather would wear.

ANYWAY……. I took my car just in case he did something crazy and I had to leave his behind downtown Ft Lauderdale. We get to the river front and within 5 minutes he is trying to get me drunk and then proceeds to invade my private space. I just met you and yes we danced at socavivor but don’t grind all up on me while you are clearly getting aroused and think it’s gonna be ok. Don’t act like you are my man because other dudes are looking and be all over me and please please please don’t try to touch and kiss me on my neck or some ish like that. If every time you touch me I move your hand it’s a CLEAR Signal DON’T TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! At this point I was so fed up with the date that I started checking out all the other cuties at the bar. At a risk of embarrassing him I told him that I was tired and ready to go. We get to my car and on the drive home he is already planning the next date and I am thinking WTF in my head cause there is no way in hell I am going anywhere again.

TO TOP OF EVERYTHING: home boy wanted me to sleep with him that night? EXCUSE ME? No I do not need any company tonight? I didn’t kiss you, I wouldn’t even let you touch me and you think I am gonna spread my legs….NO its not OPEN SESAME……

Needless to say I dropped him off, drove off like a maniac and text my home girls.

He calls once, I don’t pick up, he calls twice and I politely say I am not interested….he keeps calling for a week until he gets the point.

I just didn’t get it. Why lie to me about your age? Why would you show up looking torn up for a date.? Don’t first impressions count for anything anymore? AND SINCE WHEN is sex on the first date ok? I mean I am not one to put a timeline on when it’s ok. I am about going with the flow but if I won’t let you touch me…why would you think you can penetrate?

Any thoughts?

The teacher

So a friend of mine wanted to hook me up on a blind date. I don't care for blind dates because there is a 50/50 chance that either you'll absolutely love the person your hooked up with or you'll HATE them. Well sadly my story is the latter:

The first time I met blind date, B.D. I wasn't impressed. He was for lack of a better term...rough looking. He was a cutie, but just very rough around the edges. I didn't want to be in the business of upgrading a man but my friend pretty much begged me to give him a chance so I figured "What the hell, how much can it really hurt".

Surprisingly after the first time me and B.D. hung out I thought he was nice. We had a great time hanging out at his house, but even after I left and went home his "roughness" made me nervous. We made a date to go out again to see a movie, but before the movie we went to Uno's to eat. As we were looking at the menu I asked him what he wanted to eat and he said "Nothing, I ate before I left home". I said okay and figured I'd get some nachos so we both could at least snack on them together, while we have a drink, talk and wait for the movie to start. The nachos came and it was a big order so I start eating them and I tell B.D., "come on help me eat this". B.D. looks at me and says "I'm not hungry, didn't I tell you I ate before I left home?" So I said ""yes, but I figured we could just snack on this. B.D. looks at me from across the table and says "Well then what have you learned?" I was about to eat another nacho, but I couldn't because I was sitting there stunned by this question. Not the question itself, but where he was going with it. So I said "I don't know B.D., what did I learn?" So he says, you learned that when I say I'm not hungry it means I'm not hungry"

I smiled, put the half eaten nacho back down on the plate, looked around and said "Check please"

Liar Liar

This story is a bit long, but well worth it...

For the last couple of weeks I began to suspect that my loving wonderful boyfriend was a compulsive liar. How I never saw it before, I don't know. But if I didn't know it before I know it now. Let me paint you a picture:

I'm having lunch with my boyfriend and a group of his friends when one of his friends tells me that my boyfriend bought a kilt. Yes I said kilt, as in a Scottish skirt.Now my boyfriend is black, his family is from the south and the caribbean and he lives in NY. Moving right along...so his friend tells me my boyfriend bought a kilt which is totally weird to me because my boyfriend is about 6'4" and weighs about 300lbs. So I look at my man and trying to hold in my laugh I say "you bought a kilt?" to which he responds "yeah, I did". When we get home later that day I say "babe, lemme see the kilt you bought". He gets out the bed and walks to the closet, looks in the closet, closes the closet...he then proceeds to his mother's room to look for the kilt but the door to her room is locked. When he comes back in the room he says "it's in my mom's room but her door is locked". Okay, no prob.

About 2 days later I'm back at his house and I say "babe, I gotta see the kilt you bought, lemme see it". So again, he gets up, goes to the same closet where it wasn't 2 days before, he opens the closet and comes back empty handed. When he comes back in the room he says "I was just joking, I didn't buy a kilt" (quick translation: "just joking" is compulsive liar speak for "I lied...I never bought a kilt and I was hoping you would stop asking me about it but you keep bringing up that stupid a$$ kilt")

So by this time I have about as much questions floating in my head as you probably do now, such as "Why did you lie about buying (of all things) a kilt?" I can understand a t.v., or an expensive car you can't afford, but a kilt? "Why did you look for the kilt as if you really bought it?" and several other questions that I won't take up your time posting here...

What do you even say to something like that? I don't know I'm still trying to figure this one out.

"I'mma buy you a drank, oooh weee oooh" (c) T-Pain

[Disclaimer: Everything you read in these posts are true stories. Names may have been changed to protect the identities of subjects. Or we just don't remember them. Maybe we never knew their names. Hey, it bees like dat sometimes.]

I've never been the type of person to let a stranger buy me a drink. I don't know, call me crazy, but I always feel as if they would view it as I owe them something (i.e. a dance or 12, the next round, etc...). But there was this one time I did let a guy buy me a drink. Wrote a blog about it. Wanna read it? Here it go:

Tall Brother ("TB") walks over. Smiles, grabs my hand.

TB: Hey. My name is _____. I was wondering if I could buy you a drink.
Me: Ummm, I don't know.

At this point my girlfriends pinch me and chime in. Peer pressure is a mother...

Me: Uh, ok. Why not?
TB: Good. Just wanna put a smile on your face.
Me: (UGH!) Ha ha (Polite laughter = I almost threw up just now.)

We walk to the bar.

TB: This really was a ploy to get you away from your friends. (REALLY?! DUH!) So what are you drinking?
Me: Grey Goose Orange and cranberry.

He calls the bartender over and orders the drink. I think it's odd he doesn't order one for himself but before I could fully ponder this, he assaults me with non-stop small talk and schmoozing. He's trying extra hard to keep my attention but I have drink radar. I see the bartender put the drink down in my peripheral vision and then the unthinkable - TB grabs an empty cup and proceeds to pour half of my drink into it. He's still talking - never stopped actually - when I tap him and ask what he's doing.

Me: Um, excuse me but what are you doing?
TB: (Sheepish grin) Well I didn't know you'd be that expensive and I only have $20.

I take my now-halved drink, turn and walk away.

End scene.

The moral: don't even bother. Just buy them yourself.